When I am asked these questions about my family or having a split identity between cultures, it can be narrowed down to asking me what it feels like to be depressed or to have depression. Depression is something that plagues my family, including myself. Especially, when it comes to the topic of my family. We are very strange people. We don't talk about our situation. We try to save face for our father. We live separately in order to support the others. All these things puts so much of a strain on each of us. So, the topic of my family and identity is interesting, but also depressing.
So, that is how I arrived at my current place. I have made 4 compositions. Each one relating to a wall that it will rest on. For sake of conversation, I have titled each piece. These titles are not necessarily important to the project. However, a project title will prove to be very critical in the understanding of my project and will have to be picked carefully.
* Worth the click to enlarge
This topic is so personal to me and it's so revealing. At first I wasn't sure if I could push myself to go that far, but it's allowed me to create compositions with very strong content that I am intrigued and will pursue it.
The explanations:
Initial Impact: This is the feeling when some negative event or a series of negative events just becomes lodged in your mind and heart. It is inescapable in that it consumes your thoughts. It may not even be a significant problem, but it is to you. For you, it is the "last straw."
The black triangle obviously represents the negative event(s) and the cracks signify this problem spreading everywhere and branching off into more problems. The position of the triangle signifies a violent action (to get it lodged in there).
The yellow line (or circle) hints towards where the viewer should stand. It should be far enough where they really feel like an outsider to the project. The crack then leads to the next wall, in attempts to create a kind of path and order in viewing.
Sadness: This poster represents the feeling of sadness you feel when you start to analyze all the negative events. Even when the negative events are removed or that initial impact has faded, its impossible to stop your eyes from dripping with tears. It's impossible to not feel an ache in your heart like your mind and heart are melting/bleeding. You are in a hole of feeling very sad and you're not sure how to get out of it.
The pyramid on the ground is to reaffirm the idea that this initial impact has been "removed."
The red blood/path leads into a yellow ribbon into the next triangle, feeding the irrationality.
Irrational: I call this the response stage. This stage is, like I said, fueled/fed from the previous stage. You have an explosion of emotions and thoughts. Many times you think you make sense, you believe your thoughts are rational. But, in fact, they are very irrational and unlike yourself. You feel sadness, hopeless, and disparity. These feelings just "drip" into your mind like a poison.
The triangle should be black, but it was hard to make the effect so it looks gray. The black triangle represents this kind of black hole that is constantly being fed by the last stage. It is chaotic and, honestly, a horrible place to be. In the background, there is a rectangle whose lines should be straight. They're crooked and uneven to represent something that you think you know what it should be, but its not quite right. This is similar to your thought process and possibly even actions. It seems right, you know what its suppose to be, but it's all wrong and messed up. The black drip signifies the dripping of these thoughts and actions back into your mind.
Numb: And in the end, when all this has burnt itself out... you feel nothing. You go about your everyday business. You've forced yourself to forget what's happened. You just feel numb.
For this composition, I intend for the black triangle to be painted with matte black paint, and the poster to be painting in a high gloss paint. It symbolizes that kind of dullness, numbness and emptiness you feel you've become. The high gloss is a kind of a nice touch in the sense that it can represent a kind of nice quality, nice touch to the surroundings and the matte triangle is still just... matte. It's flat, 2D and great to describe this stage.
The best part, is that the very next wall is the beginning of this process, because that's how it works. Depression is a constant cycle of this process, and all that differs is the amount of time you go from numb to initial impact.
I am still exploring new ways to portray these four stages.
In fact here is my current to do list:
- Explore painting on the material
- Explore gluing printed color sheets to material
- Expand on compositions
- Create laser cutting files for pyramid
- Re-photograph tests
- Buy stuff
- Grant Proposal
- Model a 3D version of the final structure. So, I will kind of know what I'm doing.
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